May 27, 2010

ramblings of a middle-aged giL

disclamer - this is the deepest most random post i've ever had and although this blog is mostly intended for fun [giveaways, pictures, adventures] there will be some post that contain my personal thoughts and feelings. if you'd like to comment, feel free - but please leave your judgements behind. forgive my randomness ...

i have been thinking a lot lately ... shocker, right? so i got to thinking last night [in the shower, where i do most of my thinking since it's pretty much the only time i'm alone! hehe] about how much my life has changed in the past couple of years.
think back two years ago, may of 2008. adam and i had just bought our first home :) we moved from the little tiny apartment that held SO many memories that will NEVER be replaced or forgotten <3 my best friends were the "giLs" ... and don't get me wrong, we are still friends but i wouldn't classify us as best friends. but two years ago at this time, we were pretty much inseperable. we were beginning our talks of giligans on weekends, ocean city trips and a myrtle beach vacation that summer - and all of those plus some - we accomplished. myrtle beach 2008 definitely had its ups an downs, but all in all - we were all together and it would be the last time we all vacationed together. not saying it won't happen again years down the road, but i dont foresee it happening anytime in the near future. that was also the summer that adam and i decided i would get off my birth control and we would expand our family. we wanted to experience the first two years of our marriage with complete and total freedom and the end of that summer would be our 2year wedding anniversary. i actually took my last pill on our last day in myrtle :) we continued to have fun during the rest of that summer and i did get pregnant september of 2008.
between the time i was pregnant and may 2009 (one year ago) ... a lot of things changed with me. for one, i single handedly ruined a friendship of mine due to my own stupidity and hormonal rage. [haha] although i regret how i behaved, i don't think i'd change how things went down and ended up. i learned a VERY big lesson that NEEDED to be learned and in the end, things actually turned out okay. we are still friends and i consider myself lucky to have at least been slightly forgiven. in regards to that, i learned friendship is something to value. i've always had friends so i think i took the whole friendship thing for granted. and it's not that i didn't have friends during this point, because i did .. but there were times where i felt like left out [mainly because i was pregnant] or like i was growing apart from everyone. and lets face it, i was growing apart. and it wasn't due to anyone, it was just that i was going a different direction. i also learned that just because people SAY they are happy for you, doesn't always mean they are. and that actions speak SO MUCH louder than words. in the end, as long as you are happy and you are doing what YOU need/want in your life, that is all that matters. friends will stick around if they care - bottom line. i have friends that i go months w/o seeing and when we reuinte, it's like we never spent a day apart. i believe those are true friends. i'm lucky to have a number of those. i am also lucky to have a couple friends that i talk to daily, vent to and they listen without judgement. i have confidence they don't run to another person and talk about me or what's going on in my life. do you know how i obtained those friends, by being one of those friends myself. i learned that lesson within the past two years too. if i would hear something or someone would tell me something, i would run and tell all my girls. trusting that they wouldn't tell anyone else, and typically they wouldn't - but i was still breaking that original persons trust by telling them. at some point, probably during my pregnancy, i realized that if i were doing that to other people - they were DEFINITELY doing it to me. it wasn't an overnight thing, but i began keeping my trust with people and inturn, i believe they kept mine. it's definitely a great feeling to know you can tell someone something personal and it stays right there.

so anyway, between september 2008 and may 26th 2009 - i continued to grow spiritually and phsyically ;) i did a lot of things while i was pregnant and learned A LOT. i guess it' true what they say, having a baby really does change a person. i think it moreso puts A LOT into perspective that didn't really matter before. you have to face obstacles with a sober mind and realize that you aren't just caring for yourself anymore, you have a human growing inside of you that relys on you for it's life meaning no more selfishness. sometimes you have to put your feelings or your wants aside because they are not beneficial to your unborn child. the pains and aches you go through, have to just be dealt with. you give up things you love for someone you've never even met, because even though you haven't met them - you love them more than ANYTHING else.

a year ago this time, i was preparing for kullen to make his way into the world and hanging out with my friends as much as possible because although i said things wouldn't change, deep down i think i knew they would. and this time last year, something was about to happen that would change things forever.
may 30, 2009 my cousin chris passed away. it was the most tragic, world shattering, upsetting thing that i have ever experienced thus far even though i could not express it. number one, had i of reacted the way that i wanted too - i more than likely went into premature labor and number two, i felt as if i had to be strong for the other family members. so to watch my family hurt so much and know there was nothing that anyone could do, broke my heart. i was 20 days away from giving birth - and i had to stand back and watch as my family's world fell apart. knowing that i was giving birth to a son, and my aunt and uncle had just lost one was the most unbearable thing. all i could do was hold tight to my belly and pray i was NEVER in their shoes. i beleive until you have a child, you won't understand the parent/child relationship. yes, you'll understand the child/parent - because you are a child to a parent, but the two relationships are not the same at all. i could NEVER imagine ... ever. the whole time frame was completely bitter sweet for me. i knew i was about to experience joy like none other but at the same time, we just buried a family member. how could i expect my family to be happy when this just happened? how could i truly be happy? all the thoughts in my head were overwhelming and i tried to just focus on helping my family in ways i could and focus on keeping my own sanity for my unborn sons sake.
so 20 days later, i gave birth and it was beautiful to see the smile my son put on my family's faces. i knew that nothing would take away their pain but for one brief moment, they were happy and happy for me. i was happy.
during the course of the next year - things continued to change with me. the 'giLs' came together for the sake of our favorite 'giL' and were there for her the very best we knew how. I am thankful for those girls because despite things that happened between them and i personally, we came together and put it all aside for the benefit of one and without them, i'm not sure how things would have went. It's good to know, that at the end of the day, we can put aside personal things in order to help one another.
i am STILL happy but once again, with a new year and a few days shy of the day ... i find myself happily unhappy, if it makes any sense. i am happy that i have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, great friends and amazing family but on the other hand, i am unhappy because i know the hurt my family is about to experience all over again, just as if it were that day. =/ i pray they get through it okay. i won't be in town on the day of, so i will not be able to spend it with them but i will be thinking of them. i am unhappy that i will have to explain to my son, through pictures, who chris was. but when i think about it more, i will have to do that for a lot of people, i'm sure. it's just that nothing is ever promised ... i could be gone tomorrow and then someone would be explaining me in pictures. it's just something that nobody is prepared for and nobody will ever get over. but sadly, life does go on and especially in my case - i gave birth to a new life right after and had to focus all my energy on that little being. sometimes i feel like i 'moved on' way too soon, but what choice did i have? i wish i could take the place of those around me that were and are hurting, it kills me to see the pain but i know that it can't be taken away. i wonder if anyone is ever at peace with death? do they just move it to the back of their mind and not think about it except on rare occasions? or do people actually 'obtain peace' ... i would like to know how they do it.

anyway, back to the topic of friends and babies. two of my good friends are currently pregnant and probably going to have their babies sooner, rather than later. in fact, one will more than likely have her babygirl next week while i am away! another bittersweetness in the life of kaley :) i am happy that her pregnancy journey is almost over, for it hasn't been the easist on her. her babygirl is coming a little earlier than expected but being the amazing mother that she is - she has taken all the necessary actions to ensure babygirl is born as healthy as possible. i'm not saying that any mother-to-be wouldn't do the same thing, but she is TRULY an amazing mother. she puts her babies first, above EVERYTHING, and unfortunately there aren't many people that i can say that about.
annnnnd the other is currently going through the same thing, but we're hoping babyboy won't be here quite as soon! she has also done all the same steps, so yet another 'amazing mother' award :) babyboys shower is on the 6th so we're realllllly hoping he holds off until then! what if he made his appearance ON the day of the shower - what a treat! ;) although, i'm sure mama would prefer he hold off until after the shower!
these two girls are definitely two of the strongest i know and i feel for them. i couldn't imagine having to go through what they've been through, all the scares and hospital trips. but both of them and their babies are doing well and that is all that matters!!!
both of them are going to be in my thoughts all week - how amazing would it be if they BOTH held off until after i got back! ok, little selfish i know - but honestly, i doubt either of them would mind if their babies stayed in the oven a litttttle bit longer! ;)
i can't waiiiiiit to meet the newest babygirl and babyboy in my life <3

anyway - there are 20349823904839 more issues that are on my shoulders but i just can't bring myself to put them all out there. i wonder if everyone feels like they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders? i mean, i know everyone has their day and has times where they feel that way, but it's a constant for me. it's like i juggle so much - i take care of my son, my husband, the bills, the shopping, full time job, not to mention it's like other peoples problems somehow jump onto me too, not by THEIR choice i'm sure, but i just can't help it. it's like in my nature to worry about other people i love and care about. sometimes i feel like i can't take anymore and my shoulder blades are going to break and i'm just going to collapse and be done with everything but most of the time i just keep reminding myself that a lot of it is self inflicted. i shouldn't worry about others so much. i should be happy that me and adam have so much and that we have accomplished it all on our own. but, at the same time, i worry about what would happen if we lost it somehow. where would we go? who would take care of us? i guess at the end of the day, God never gives you more than you can handle and even though you may fall down sometimes - you just have to get back up and move forward.

so, why does the subject refer to me as a 'giL' ... easy, i will always, alwayssss be a giL! as i said, we may not be the best of friends at this point in time but our memories are untouchable. i will always have a mean-streak, fun-loving, childish behaviored temperment and although i have, in a sense, grown up and apart, those characteristics will never change about me. i may be abl eto control them better now, but doesn't mean i am not what i once was. giLs are definitely forever - we've been through FARRRRRR to much to ever renounce, even though there have been times where i wanted too ;]

all in all i love my life and my friends and my family, despite the troubles each area has. i am thankful for each and every person in my life and i hope they realize that i care and often care too much.
happy memorial day weekend ;)


MandeeFoFandee said...

well obviously, I freaking LOVE this post. it's such a different scene to see you open up about things that are weighing you down - it's not often that you do that, and I'm sure you felt better once you hit the "Publish" button!

like you said, we'll always be giLs, no matter how grown up we are, and no matter how different our lives have become from those first few years of craziness. our connections and our bonds will always be there, even if we aren't as close as we once were. those memories are indeed untouchable, and no one will know how much fun we had, trouble we got into, and how much we cared for each other.

there is no secret to dealing with death - everyone deals with it and mourns in their own way, and on their own time. sometimes it takes months to feel at peace, and other times it takes years. like you said, you're never really okay with it... you never REALLY move on. it's always there in the back of your mind, forever. there's always a hole in your heart, and even years later, it will still ache like it happened yesterday. I hope you have an awesome family vacation, and I'll be thinking of you on Sunday!

Unknown said...

Love this post! I feel the same way.