the blog where i bitch

warning: this blog is just words. and just my feelings lately. one day i'll refrain from posting these kind of things on my blog because ultimately i realize that nobody cares. but with that being said, this is my blog - sometimes i feel i'm the only one who reads it (and dad ... hi dad, don't call me about this ... it's not about anyone specific, just in general! haha) - so therefore i'll post 'WHATEVA I WAAAAANT!'

feelings ..  do you ever just get OVER them.

i feel like mine are constantly being trampled on lately, and maybe it's my own fault for allowing others to do it? but how do you stop it without cutting off almost everyone. 

i feel like i let friends and family both continuously hurt me. & maybe it's not fair to them because they don't realize it all the time but ARGH. how do you keep a happy medium!

i just want to like move away ... from everyone sometimes. i feel like i'd rather be alone for reals than feel alone in a crowd of so many 'friends'.

i always go back to kelle hampton's blog ... she always talks about the ebb & flow and it reminds me that we all have bad times or rough spots and only with the bad will the good come.

"so it is this constant theme of balance. ebb and flow. acceptance that the downs bring the ups and the ups bring the downs and really, it's all okay." - kelle hampton

i also have to remember that i'm pregnant and with that comes a roller coaster of emotions. i can be feeling on top of the world one day and the lowest of lows the next when ultimately not a thing surrounding me has changed.

sometimes i find myself not even wanting to leave the house - even when it's so gorgeous outside. then i get myself depressed because i don't take advantage of the beautiful day. catch 22 dontcha think! 

or i'll find myself on facebook ... feeling jealous of seeing people hanging out because i used to hang out and just don't get invited anymore. i wonder what happened? i mean, i know life happens and people get in tiffs but when you realize that a friendship is practically over ... it hurts no matter who you are. 

sometimes i wish i were stronger. i wish i wasn't on the verge of crying like ALL THE TIME. and again, i know a lot of it has to do with pregnancy hormones and whatever but i wish these feelings weren't so easily hurt. 

and to be honest, i don't even know that they ARE easily hurt. i think i just let little things get to me and get to me and then it feels like an explosion inside. like nobody likes me anymore and i wonder how were things so GREAT a few months ago and now they're not. what changed? was it me? is it the other people? or is it absolutely nothing at all?

i have actually reached out to friends recently to make sure everything is okay between us. i hate feeling like there is tension or someone is mad at the other person. i've posted about it before but i wish people - especially friends - would just be honest and tell me if i've done something rather than harbor feelings because i feel like i can totally pick up on negative vibes. but then again, it's something i need to do also. the minute something bothers me, i need to speak up and not just brush if off because it ends up coming back up later and i wind up with a whole list of things that someone has done to me. but again, how do you tell someone that you're feelings are hurt without looking like a huge baby or giving them a reason to talk about you to their new/cool friends?

i know another part is kullen's birthday. the kid is so excited for his party this year. and his last three parties have been a huge success. he's surrounded by so many people and don't think he doesn't remember it. he often tells me about his party where his friends come over (and he names them all!) and they ride bikes or play on the swings and eat cake, etc ... 

this year i find myself wondering who is going to come. and it makes me sad because kullen hasn't done a single thing yet because of parents attitudes and differences - the kids aren't allowed to 'be friends'. and yes, i know he's still young and in 10 years he'll have his OWN friends - not the ones his mommy picked for him - but still ... it just makes me sad. i would do anything for my kids - and i'd put crap aside (assuming i was even invited) for him because HE deserves it. 

i honestly wrote this blog yesterday. i figured i'd wait to post it because maybe my feelings would be different today (you know how those pregnancy emotions go) ... but i'm really still feeling the same way.
i shouldn't be feeling left out by good friends. i shouldn't keep asking to hang out and getting rejected over and over again. it nobody wants to hang out with me ... fine, i will get over it. but i definitely won't forget it ... next time you need something from me.