giving up comparison

i have fallen slightly behind on my Inner Mean Girl Cleanse posts BUT this doesn't mean that i am not following them in my every day life. week two challege was 'giving up comparison' and i feel this one hits home for me. i have been QUEEN of comparing. i know it's not right but i often find myself wishing i had what the next person has, not knowing [or caring] what that person had to go through to get it. there have been times in my life where i have gotten so wrapped up in wanting to 'keep up with the jones' that i have totally taken the thinsg i did have for granted.

the challenge for week two was -
For the next 7 days, your mission is to refrain from comparison and pick up the self-loving habits of inspiration, appreciation, and gratitude.

this one wasn't too hard for me, actually. since i've had kullen, i haven't been caught up in wanting what the next person has. aside from one minor detail (which may come in a blog post later on) i am totally, 100% happy and content with my life right now. i have a great husband, great son, great family and friends not to mention that basically everything i want and need, i am able to get. but of course, i am human and comparing my good to other peoples bad or vice versa has and will continue to happen. the comparion aversion that the Inner Mean Girl has provide are these:

1. INSPIRATION: Allow the person you are comparing yourself with to lift you up instead. Use what your Comparison Queen attacks you with as a source of inspiration to shift or take an action in your life. For example, love your co-workers taste in clothes vs. feel bad about your choice today, and tomorrow spice it up. Love the book she's written, event she's produced or idea she's had and take an action that inspires you to be your best.
2. APPRECIATION. Appreciate the other person, and appreciate yourself. Take the thing you are comparing and tell that person, or yourself, that you appreciate them for it. Meet a woman who's accomplished something you've always wanted? Tell her how great you think her accomplishment is. Notice that another mother's child is really good at something, appreciate that mother and child for it, and then find something to appreciate about yourself and your child.
3. GRATITUDE. Be grateful for what you have right now. Notice someone has something you don't - bigger house, better relationship, or some other moniker of success and happiness? Broaden your scope of success and get grateful for the success you do have. What is overflowing in your life? Health. Love. Career. Home. Garden. Friends. Find that one thing you feel really wealthy in and be grateful for it.

the challenge also talks aboout the 2 types of comparison complexes there are. they refer to 'her' as the comparison queen and how she makes you feel!
Inferiority Complex, comparing your worst to everyone's best. Making you feel small, inadequate and like you're a failure.
Superiority Complex, giving you the illusion that you're better than everyone else. Making you feel alone, distant, and cut off from compassion and humanity.


challenge questions -

When does your comparison queen show up the most?
it shows up when i see something or someone bragging about their life when i know they don't work or really deserve it. i see people bragging about what they've got or the trips their going to take and all the while i know they don't have a mortgage payment or they get help raising their kid and me and my family work our tails off everyday and aren't able to do the luxury things in life like some are.

Does she show up more as an inferiority complex or superiority complex?
definetely the inferiority. [see above]

What does your Inner Wisdom know about comparison?
i know that it's wrong. just because someone has more on the outside doesn't mean they are happy. i know that i shouldn't worry about what other people have and instead focus on the things that i DO have and that make me happy.

♥

... i also want to give a shout out to my friend kathy from bwak bwak blog. she is a great friend to me and always talks me out of being guilty of comparing. if ever i complain to her about what someone else has she is there to remind me of what i do have and tell me not to focus on them but instead focus on kullen or adam :) thank you love♥

gossip

[this is last weeks topic - late as usual]


ha, what a topic to begin with. gossip. let's start with a definition.
Gossip is idle talk or rumour, especially about the personal or private affairs of others [wikepedia]
truth be told, i used to be quite the gossiper! i even had a shirt [haha] that said 'listen carefully - i only repeat gossip once' ... apparently i was PROUD to be a gossiper. it was like my whole little group of friends ... all we did was gossip about other people, as if we were perfect ourselves. HA! boyyyyy have i grown up and seen the light since then.
don't get me wrong .. i am FAR from perfect and i still fall into gossip now and then but i have changed my ways A LOT and for that, i am proud.
it's hard to totally REFRAIN from gossip ... because i have a lot of things going on and sometimes i need to vent/talk to my friends and when doing so, some of the fustrations are caused by other people.
So the challenge this week [aug 25th-sept 1st] was to engage in GOOD talk only AND - i would say that i PASSED! here are the 'requirements' as given by the Inner Mean Girl Cleanse!


Speak about others as you would like to be spoken of.
How would you want to be spoken about if it was you that were being talked about.

Have clean motivations and intentions.
What is the motivation behind what you are saying? If it's not from a good place, stop talking or change your words.

Lift others up, never tear them down.
Inner Mean Girls (IMGs) love to gossip because it makes them feel better. Don't do it. Instead make an effort to say things this week that lifts others up. And while celebrity gossip may make your IMG feel great for a minute, it's better to avoid any media that drags others down.

Be a leader, change the conversation.
If you find yourself being invited or tempted into gossip, instead choose words that change the energy. Invite the other person into Good Talk. Try something like, "You know what I love about ______" or "I feel a lot of compassion for _____".


in relation to those four topics, i pretty much practice those in my life. after seeing the hurt and pain that my words and actions caused others to go through and realizing that i would never want to be on that end, i definitely cleaned my act up. it look some hurt on my own part - being put down and down talked from people i thought were friends - but i did realize how badly words CAN hurt. there is no reason to talk to people as if they are less of a person because when it comes down to it, not a single person on this earth is 'better' than another. we are ALL human and all have our skeletons and bottom line is that people do the things they do for a reason, and who are YOU to judge that reason? some people may not approve or like the things that YOU do - and you wouldn't want them spreading your stuff or talking badly about or down to you because of that.
a few years ago, when i would sit around and talk about people - it DID make me feel better about myself. i would talk about their flaws and dirt and think - wow, compared to them - i'm awesome!! ha, yeah .. awesome. now, when/if i bad talk someone - i definetely feel GUILTY ... something i hadn't really felt before!
i guess back then - gossping was something i was just used too ... it was all i knew i guess? then i started hanging out with different crowds and realizing that these people didn't have to talk about people to become close or have a good time and it was a GREAT feeling!

i'll end with 3 questions from IMGC -

1. What's the cost of gossip?
2. What's the benefit?
3. What's the truth?

1. cost of gossip would/could be losing friends. if you go and spread someones stuff that they asked you not too .. and you get found out, that person is going to be hurt and could decide to not be your friend anymore. then you've not only created a name for yourself as someone who can't be trusted, but you've lost a friend.

2. there really isn't much benefit of gossip unless it's someone gossiping about their friend who is an alcoholic and now that you know about it - you [as the listener] know not to bring that up or around that person.

3. the truth of gossip is that it hurts feelings. the person being talked about, the person spreading and the person listening. you put yourself in a bad situation when participating in gossip because once you're found out - it causes a big fight between everyone and lets face it - you fight because your feelings are hurt.

although i've already changed my ways A LOT when it comes to this topic, i still have a lot to learn and practice. i need to be a person that stands up to someone when they are talking bad about another for no reason.
i think it's just hard because there is a thin line between gossip and venting, luckily if you have good friends to vent too - they will know the difference!

♥

mean girl ...

yes, it's true - i was once known as a mean girl. i wouldn't go as far to say that i'm 100% NOT a mean girl anymore but i have come a very LONG way. but - there is always room for improvement inside the inner workings of kaley :)

so while catching up on my reader - i came across humboldt cherry's latest blog. inner mean girl reform school? hmm .. interesting.


when i visited the website - i realized that this is definitely for me! judgement? gossip? comparison? all of which i am definitely guilty of and could always improve in ... so WHY NOT!
i am taking the plunge. it starts on wednesday and goes for 6 weeks!

feel free to check out the Mean Girl Cleanse website and join with me.
here's to a better/wiser me in 6 weeks :)