the blog where i bitch

warning: this blog is just words. and just my feelings lately. one day i'll refrain from posting these kind of things on my blog because ultimately i realize that nobody cares. but with that being said, this is my blog - sometimes i feel i'm the only one who reads it (and dad ... hi dad, don't call me about this ... it's not about anyone specific, just in general! haha) - so therefore i'll post 'WHATEVA I WAAAAANT!'

feelings ..  do you ever just get OVER them.

i feel like mine are constantly being trampled on lately, and maybe it's my own fault for allowing others to do it? but how do you stop it without cutting off almost everyone. 

i feel like i let friends and family both continuously hurt me. & maybe it's not fair to them because they don't realize it all the time but ARGH. how do you keep a happy medium!

i just want to like move away ... from everyone sometimes. i feel like i'd rather be alone for reals than feel alone in a crowd of so many 'friends'.

i always go back to kelle hampton's blog ... she always talks about the ebb & flow and it reminds me that we all have bad times or rough spots and only with the bad will the good come.

"so it is this constant theme of balance. ebb and flow. acceptance that the downs bring the ups and the ups bring the downs and really, it's all okay." - kelle hampton

i also have to remember that i'm pregnant and with that comes a roller coaster of emotions. i can be feeling on top of the world one day and the lowest of lows the next when ultimately not a thing surrounding me has changed.

sometimes i find myself not even wanting to leave the house - even when it's so gorgeous outside. then i get myself depressed because i don't take advantage of the beautiful day. catch 22 dontcha think! 

or i'll find myself on facebook ... feeling jealous of seeing people hanging out because i used to hang out and just don't get invited anymore. i wonder what happened? i mean, i know life happens and people get in tiffs but when you realize that a friendship is practically over ... it hurts no matter who you are. 

sometimes i wish i were stronger. i wish i wasn't on the verge of crying like ALL THE TIME. and again, i know a lot of it has to do with pregnancy hormones and whatever but i wish these feelings weren't so easily hurt. 

and to be honest, i don't even know that they ARE easily hurt. i think i just let little things get to me and get to me and then it feels like an explosion inside. like nobody likes me anymore and i wonder how were things so GREAT a few months ago and now they're not. what changed? was it me? is it the other people? or is it absolutely nothing at all?

i have actually reached out to friends recently to make sure everything is okay between us. i hate feeling like there is tension or someone is mad at the other person. i've posted about it before but i wish people - especially friends - would just be honest and tell me if i've done something rather than harbor feelings because i feel like i can totally pick up on negative vibes. but then again, it's something i need to do also. the minute something bothers me, i need to speak up and not just brush if off because it ends up coming back up later and i wind up with a whole list of things that someone has done to me. but again, how do you tell someone that you're feelings are hurt without looking like a huge baby or giving them a reason to talk about you to their new/cool friends?

i know another part is kullen's birthday. the kid is so excited for his party this year. and his last three parties have been a huge success. he's surrounded by so many people and don't think he doesn't remember it. he often tells me about his party where his friends come over (and he names them all!) and they ride bikes or play on the swings and eat cake, etc ... 

this year i find myself wondering who is going to come. and it makes me sad because kullen hasn't done a single thing yet because of parents attitudes and differences - the kids aren't allowed to 'be friends'. and yes, i know he's still young and in 10 years he'll have his OWN friends - not the ones his mommy picked for him - but still ... it just makes me sad. i would do anything for my kids - and i'd put crap aside (assuming i was even invited) for him because HE deserves it. 

i honestly wrote this blog yesterday. i figured i'd wait to post it because maybe my feelings would be different today (you know how those pregnancy emotions go) ... but i'm really still feeling the same way.
i shouldn't be feeling left out by good friends. i shouldn't keep asking to hang out and getting rejected over and over again. it nobody wants to hang out with me ... fine, i will get over it. but i definitely won't forget it ... next time you need something from me. 

the choices we make

i do believed i have touched on the subject of drug use here on my blog. never too in depth for personal reasons [and not wanting to put anyone on blast] but it's been touched on. to make a VERY long story short, drug use has affected me and my family for the past four years. [honestly, probably longer than that but i'll go with that time frame for now].  four years ago, i lost my cousin to an heroin overdose. i also lost my high school best friend to that same drug. things went quickly downhill for a lot of my friends and family members since then. it's something that i just can't understand. perhaps it was because i was pregnant at the time and have been a parent ever since, but turning to drugs after losing someone to drugs never seemed appealing to me. others in my family though, that was their coping mechanism. they're my family, i love them but i will never understand their choices. especially after watching many lose every single thing they had. 

anyway - to get to the point. 
i also don't know how much i've touched on the fact that i have a baby sister. well, she's not a baby anymore, she's 22. her and i grew up close and still remain close although her choices i will also never understand. 
since she was a kid - around 15 - she has been ... experimental. unfortunately, she got involved with the wrong crowd a time or two and has gone down a 'not so good' road. luckily, she never became TOO addicted to things but still - a problem was noticed. for the past two years, she has lived up north with my dad (it was an effort made to get her away from the crowd here that she was hanging out with). the effort did backfire as she became more heavily involved in things up there. after realizing that she wanted to make a change, she decided to come back down here with me (to live with my mom, who is 3 houses over from me) and attempt to get her life on track and in all reality - STARTED. 

she has been here for almost 2 weeks. within her first 5 days here, she found a full time job. and has worked EVERY day since then. i am SO beyond proud of her for that. we have a few things on our - well really HER - agenda to do first with her earnings but pretty soon she will be able to get herself a vehicle and insurance and all those other 'grown up' things. 

although all of that is great - still not the point of my blog really.

last night something happened. 
something that has me .. SHOOK. 
i can't shake the entire scene from my memory. [we all have those memories ... you know the ones you wish you could forget, but just can't.] my sister is fine. no worries there. 

a few days ago, her old friend started coming around. this person had recently been out of rehab and sober and they were attempting to be a support system for each other. [although, i feel like i always warn her that it's not good for her to hang out with those people - although intentions are good ... it's easier to find & do drugs with those type of people because you've done it before ..]. anyway, kid came over last night and told my sister he was basically having a bad day, wanted to use so needed to hang out to get his mind off it. they went to get some ice cream, he made a stop at the place he's staying - apparently - to grab a few things while my sister sat in the car and then they went back to my moms. after a minute or two, he took a drink of water and slumped over on the bed. my sister couldn't get him to respond so called 911. keep in mind, i'm 3 houses over so when i noticed the sirens and lights, i immediately called. my sister answered but said she would have to call me back - so i just went over there. 
another long story i'll try to make short ... her friend had apparently used when he went into the house [after they got icecream] and was OD'ing in my sisters bedroom. the EMT's were able to revive him and get him stable but my sister had to pick him up from the hospital around 4am - and still had to get to work this morning. 

so, here i am very shaken about this whole thing. at 11pm i see this kid being carried out of my moms house barely alive and at 10 am in the next morning i see him walking to his truck. i am thankful that he is okay, obviously but i wonder how he feels. how does it feel to know that you WOULD have died but didn't. so many circumstances could have happened. he could have NOT came into my moms. had that been the case, he would have died in his car? what if the EMTs couldn't get to him as quickly as they did. would he have died right there in my moms house? will this kid ever touch the drugs again? will my sister continue to hang around someone to blatantly did this around her, knowing that she is trying to remain clean.  how did it all happen? what makes someone go down that path? 

i had a hard time falling asleep last night after everything. i wanted to go grab my boys and cuddle them close all night. i couldn't imagine if something like this ever happened to my children. how do we, as parents, prevent them from going to that lifestyle. 
my sister and i were raised my the same parents and yet she is so very different from me. what made me so afraid and her so NOT? 
we can say that our kids will never be exposed, and perhaps they won't be but what about their adult lives. when they become completely independent and are on their own. what if they end up a drug addict at age 35? what would i have done wrong to make them do that? there are so many things i question and wonder what i can do to prevent them from even associating with people who think drugs are okay or 'cool'. 
what choices can i make as a parents to ensure my kid will not become addicted to drugs? a lot of people will say raise your kids in church - but i know church kids addicted. some will say just show them love and they'll never need to turn to drugs as a supplement? but i know kids that ARE loved and are still addicted. kids can be raised all kinds of ways that are supposed to deter them from drug use, and yet they still do it. why?? 

yeah, i mean i get it. life gets crappy sometime so it's easy to grab a pill and chase it with some alcohol to forget the current crappy-ness. but once all that fades, life is still gonna be crappy, right? in fact, even more crappy because you just wasted money on that crap and probably ruined friendships with people because not everyone is into that stuff. 
it actually kills me how many people ARE into that. i am sure it's prevalent all over the place but i feel like here, in my town, it's everywhere. it's like everyday i'm learning this person is on pills, this person is on heroin, this person is doing crack ... and it just makes me want to cry. what happened to them that makes them want to live that lifestyle? don't they look at people who DON'T do drugs and want to be like that? don't they desire to look healthy, have money, NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE OD'ING IN THEIR BEDROOM????  i guess addiction and drugs is something that i will just never understand. and i honestly try not to judge people - especially those people in my family for their choices. i obviously want them to turn their lives around and NOT be involved with drugs.  but how can anyone be mad at me or accuse me of judging because i haven't stuck by them? i, under no circumstances, will support anyones drug use. especially after i have lost family and friends to it. if doing drugs is something you choose, that's your choice and you will answer for it someday but i will be no part of it, especially considering i have two - with one on the way - kids. i don't want my kids to even KNOW what drugs are. 

and a little disclaimer: i don't care if you smoke pot. i'm not doing to defriend someone for it. but when we get into actual drugs: pills, cocain, molly, heroin .. whatever it is they call it these days .... i want absolutely no parts of it. it doesn't mean i'm judging you ... it just means that it's my personal choice to keep me and my children away from that. just like destroying your life with a stupid man-man drug, is yours. 

[ps. sorry for the rant. if anyone actually made it through this entire blog. i love you!]

[don't] complicate me

why is it that people tend to over complicate things these days?

what happened to the days of simple. just letting things be what they are instead of trying to search for some over-complicated, analytical reasoning behind them. i mean maybe i'm just lazy and would rather just accept things for the way they are versus trying to find something more behind them.  

like, when did friendship become so complicated? 
i haven't always had the best record with friendships in my past ... i tended to let other people control my way of thinking about people and it never ended well for me. but these last few years, i have definitely evolved.
why do people spend so much time and effort in trying to figure out if something is wrong in a friendship instead of just asking that person who is supposed to be a friend. 
i have, on multiple occasions, witnessed first hand friendships dissolve over nothing at all. one side thinks the other is mad at them, the other doesn't know what to think and when it's all said and done ... the friendship is over. why can't people just talk to each other? i don't know about y'all but i talk to my friends. 
i mean, sometimes talking to your friends about an issue/problem doesn't always end well [i know first hand about this one]... but you know, at least you said what you wanted and you either move on or walk away from the friendship KNOWING you TRIED versus not.
we were born with voices - we should use them.

also, when did parenting become so complicated? [yes, i know - this is a touchy subject]
a thousand and one books to read before the baby is born and another two thousand to read during the first year of his life? what is the point? 
i mean - i read one book while i was pregnant. 'what to expect when you're expecting'. [a second after boys were born - 'what to expect the first year] and even then, i didn't read from cover to cover. i basically skimmed over each chapter for interesting points. 
i always figured - even before i had kids - that most things would just come natural to me and for the most part, it did.
don't get me wrong - there were times that i had to consult the interwebs or my 'what to expect the first year' book but for the most part ... parenting isn't all that hard. 
kids crying? only a few things could be wrong - hungry, diaper, tired or just wants some holding/comfort. none of that soothes him, well then he's just a fuss bucket and you should trade him in [i kid .. i kid ..] but for real, i don't need a book to tell me any of that. 
as parents - we know our kid better than anyone else. ESPECIALLY better than some loony bin 'doctor' who has never met your kid. what works for one kid, definitely won't always work for the other. 
so your kid is fussy? or maybe exceptionally happy? or maybe they're just a kid ... and they're new to this world and dealing with an overwhelming new sense of life ... why does it need a fancy shmancy name? a 'wonder week', a 'leap', a 'sunny week'.  why do we as parents feel we have to make excuses for our kids? [again, something that i am guilty of .. but this blog is just as much directed towards me as anyone else] they're just kids ... and if they're being a little fussy, SO WHAT? they're kids. matter of fact, they're BABIES. i don't feel like i should have to justify to anyone why they're having a bad day. don't we, as adults, just have bad days?!
it's almost like someone decided they were tired of explaining constantly that their kid is just a kid or just feels like being a brat at the moment and decided to come up with some new term, ... "my kid is still perfect, just going through a wonder week." 
maybe i'll start saying that ... whenever i'm in a bad mood i'll just tell people look .. i'm going through a wonder week ;)

i hate when people act like they have perfect kids [& lives!]. come on, NO ONE is perfect. you may have a better behaved kid than mine - but keep in mind that no two kids are alike. my kids are definitely spirited and can be difficult sometimes - but you know what, they're mine and because of that it's no wonder they are that way. they may grow up to be a doctor [to your childs kid - food for thought] or even the president. i don't know why so many people waste time and energy on other peoples kids behavior. what does it concern or affect them? when i see a kid behaving well, it makes me happy. when i see one behaving badly, it also makes me happy. because i've been there. BOTH places. my kids can be great one day but hellions the next. they're still kids at the end of the day and wear their hearts on their sleeves and love with everything they have. i admire my kids - and all kids for that matter - for that trait.  maybe i'm over complicating by even writing about this, but it's just something i've been thinking about. i don't like complicated. i like easy. i like go-with-the-flow. i like freedom. 
when my kid throws himself on the floor because i took something away that he wasn't supposed to have [like a knife! [[again, kidding ..]] haha!] i'm just going to laugh [or maybe sigh] and say .. 'what a brat' ... because that's what he's being. and i'm okay with that. i was a brat and i'm sure you were too. 
if i think a friend is upset with me ... i'm going to ask her about it. not just going to sit there and wonder if i did something wrong! 

i've never been one to think too deeply into something. i take most things for face value. if i'm being nasty, tell me i'm being nasty ... i would probably tell you. if my kids being bratty ... so what. you gonna lose sleep at night over it? i'm not. you gonna tell me that you're kid is NEVER bad. i will laugh in your face ;)

& in this moment -

i am happy.

as i listened to the sweet melodic tune this morning, i realized how much this song means to me. i'm sure brandon boyd is referring to a girlfriend or friend in the song but i can't help to think of people that i've lost. it's nice to have a song that is positive and can remind you of the good versus a sappy sad song that does nothing but make you want to cry. [believe me - i have those too - ahem, kenny chesney.]

i am in a good place in my life. i have acceptance of those that i've lost - friends and family - and can say that despite, i'm happy. when i hear 'wish you were here' i realize that of course some moments in life would be happier if these people were still around but it's okay for me to be happy and continue on with my life.

i can't say that my outlook on death and acceptance won't change in the future if i lose someone closer to me (parent/sibling/spouse/child) because you never really know how death will affect a person. i believe that once you lose someone, you are never the same. that doesn't mean you shouldn't continue with your life and carry that person with you everywhere. remember the good and smile when you think of them because it's what they would WANT. i know when i die, i want my friends and family to think of me and smile - not cry. and i know it's hard when you've lost someone but the first time you can think of them and smile, is the first step to accepting the fact that they are not here PHYSICALLY anymore. death is a part of life and there isn't a thing we can do about it. cherish the time you have and remember the good you've lost.

I dig my toes into the sand

The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds

Strewn across a blue blanket

I lean against the wind

Pretend that I am weightless

And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I lay my head onto the sand

The sky resembles a back lit canopy

With holes punched in it

I'm counting UFOs

I signal them with my lighter

And in this moment I am happy...happy

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

Wish you were here

 

The world's a roller coaster

And I am not strapped in

Maybe I should hold with care

But my hands are busy in the air saying:

I wish you were here

I wish you were

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

I wish you were here

Wish you were here

it's also funny that this song takes place at a beach. i find myself missing those i've lost the most when i'm at the beach. i think, for me, it's because the beach is my favorite place to be and i always want to share it with everyone [whether it's via phone/text/facebook/blog] and i know that there is no way to share it physically with those people. BUT i can smile knowing they're looking down on me and they are there too - in the sand, water, wind, and every other earthy element.

ramblings of a middle-aged giL

disclamer - this is the deepest most random post i've ever had and although this blog is mostly intended for fun [giveaways, pictures, adventures] there will be some post that contain my personal thoughts and feelings. if you'd like to comment, feel free - but please leave your judgements behind. forgive my randomness ...

i have been thinking a lot lately ... shocker, right? so i got to thinking last night [in the shower, where i do most of my thinking since it's pretty much the only time i'm alone! hehe] about how much my life has changed in the past couple of years.
think back two years ago, may of 2008. adam and i had just bought our first home :) we moved from the little tiny apartment that held SO many memories that will NEVER be replaced or forgotten <3 my best friends were the "giLs" ... and don't get me wrong, we are still friends but i wouldn't classify us as best friends. but two years ago at this time, we were pretty much inseperable. we were beginning our talks of giligans on weekends, ocean city trips and a myrtle beach vacation that summer - and all of those plus some - we accomplished. myrtle beach 2008 definitely had its ups an downs, but all in all - we were all together and it would be the last time we all vacationed together. not saying it won't happen again years down the road, but i dont foresee it happening anytime in the near future. that was also the summer that adam and i decided i would get off my birth control and we would expand our family. we wanted to experience the first two years of our marriage with complete and total freedom and the end of that summer would be our 2year wedding anniversary. i actually took my last pill on our last day in myrtle :) we continued to have fun during the rest of that summer and i did get pregnant september of 2008.
between the time i was pregnant and may 2009 (one year ago) ... a lot of things changed with me. for one, i single handedly ruined a friendship of mine due to my own stupidity and hormonal rage. [haha] although i regret how i behaved, i don't think i'd change how things went down and ended up. i learned a VERY big lesson that NEEDED to be learned and in the end, things actually turned out okay. we are still friends and i consider myself lucky to have at least been slightly forgiven. in regards to that, i learned friendship is something to value. i've always had friends so i think i took the whole friendship thing for granted. and it's not that i didn't have friends during this point, because i did .. but there were times where i felt like left out [mainly because i was pregnant] or like i was growing apart from everyone. and lets face it, i was growing apart. and it wasn't due to anyone, it was just that i was going a different direction. i also learned that just because people SAY they are happy for you, doesn't always mean they are. and that actions speak SO MUCH louder than words. in the end, as long as you are happy and you are doing what YOU need/want in your life, that is all that matters. friends will stick around if they care - bottom line. i have friends that i go months w/o seeing and when we reuinte, it's like we never spent a day apart. i believe those are true friends. i'm lucky to have a number of those. i am also lucky to have a couple friends that i talk to daily, vent to and they listen without judgement. i have confidence they don't run to another person and talk about me or what's going on in my life. do you know how i obtained those friends, by being one of those friends myself. i learned that lesson within the past two years too. if i would hear something or someone would tell me something, i would run and tell all my girls. trusting that they wouldn't tell anyone else, and typically they wouldn't - but i was still breaking that original persons trust by telling them. at some point, probably during my pregnancy, i realized that if i were doing that to other people - they were DEFINITELY doing it to me. it wasn't an overnight thing, but i began keeping my trust with people and inturn, i believe they kept mine. it's definitely a great feeling to know you can tell someone something personal and it stays right there.

so anyway, between september 2008 and may 26th 2009 - i continued to grow spiritually and phsyically ;) i did a lot of things while i was pregnant and learned A LOT. i guess it' true what they say, having a baby really does change a person. i think it moreso puts A LOT into perspective that didn't really matter before. you have to face obstacles with a sober mind and realize that you aren't just caring for yourself anymore, you have a human growing inside of you that relys on you for it's life meaning no more selfishness. sometimes you have to put your feelings or your wants aside because they are not beneficial to your unborn child. the pains and aches you go through, have to just be dealt with. you give up things you love for someone you've never even met, because even though you haven't met them - you love them more than ANYTHING else.

a year ago this time, i was preparing for kullen to make his way into the world and hanging out with my friends as much as possible because although i said things wouldn't change, deep down i think i knew they would. and this time last year, something was about to happen that would change things forever.
may 30, 2009 my cousin chris passed away. it was the most tragic, world shattering, upsetting thing that i have ever experienced thus far even though i could not express it. number one, had i of reacted the way that i wanted too - i more than likely went into premature labor and number two, i felt as if i had to be strong for the other family members. so to watch my family hurt so much and know there was nothing that anyone could do, broke my heart. i was 20 days away from giving birth - and i had to stand back and watch as my family's world fell apart. knowing that i was giving birth to a son, and my aunt and uncle had just lost one was the most unbearable thing. all i could do was hold tight to my belly and pray i was NEVER in their shoes. i beleive until you have a child, you won't understand the parent/child relationship. yes, you'll understand the child/parent - because you are a child to a parent, but the two relationships are not the same at all. i could NEVER imagine ... ever. the whole time frame was completely bitter sweet for me. i knew i was about to experience joy like none other but at the same time, we just buried a family member. how could i expect my family to be happy when this just happened? how could i truly be happy? all the thoughts in my head were overwhelming and i tried to just focus on helping my family in ways i could and focus on keeping my own sanity for my unborn sons sake.
so 20 days later, i gave birth and it was beautiful to see the smile my son put on my family's faces. i knew that nothing would take away their pain but for one brief moment, they were happy and happy for me. i was happy.
during the course of the next year - things continued to change with me. the 'giLs' came together for the sake of our favorite 'giL' and were there for her the very best we knew how. I am thankful for those girls because despite things that happened between them and i personally, we came together and put it all aside for the benefit of one and without them, i'm not sure how things would have went. It's good to know, that at the end of the day, we can put aside personal things in order to help one another.
i am STILL happy but once again, with a new year and a few days shy of the day ... i find myself happily unhappy, if it makes any sense. i am happy that i have a beautiful son, a wonderful husband, great friends and amazing family but on the other hand, i am unhappy because i know the hurt my family is about to experience all over again, just as if it were that day. =/ i pray they get through it okay. i won't be in town on the day of, so i will not be able to spend it with them but i will be thinking of them. i am unhappy that i will have to explain to my son, through pictures, who chris was. but when i think about it more, i will have to do that for a lot of people, i'm sure. it's just that nothing is ever promised ... i could be gone tomorrow and then someone would be explaining me in pictures. it's just something that nobody is prepared for and nobody will ever get over. but sadly, life does go on and especially in my case - i gave birth to a new life right after and had to focus all my energy on that little being. sometimes i feel like i 'moved on' way too soon, but what choice did i have? i wish i could take the place of those around me that were and are hurting, it kills me to see the pain but i know that it can't be taken away. i wonder if anyone is ever at peace with death? do they just move it to the back of their mind and not think about it except on rare occasions? or do people actually 'obtain peace' ... i would like to know how they do it.

anyway, back to the topic of friends and babies. two of my good friends are currently pregnant and probably going to have their babies sooner, rather than later. in fact, one will more than likely have her babygirl next week while i am away! another bittersweetness in the life of kaley :) i am happy that her pregnancy journey is almost over, for it hasn't been the easist on her. her babygirl is coming a little earlier than expected but being the amazing mother that she is - she has taken all the necessary actions to ensure babygirl is born as healthy as possible. i'm not saying that any mother-to-be wouldn't do the same thing, but she is TRULY an amazing mother. she puts her babies first, above EVERYTHING, and unfortunately there aren't many people that i can say that about.
annnnnd the other is currently going through the same thing, but we're hoping babyboy won't be here quite as soon! she has also done all the same steps, so yet another 'amazing mother' award :) babyboys shower is on the 6th so we're realllllly hoping he holds off until then! what if he made his appearance ON the day of the shower - what a treat! ;) although, i'm sure mama would prefer he hold off until after the shower!
these two girls are definitely two of the strongest i know and i feel for them. i couldn't imagine having to go through what they've been through, all the scares and hospital trips. but both of them and their babies are doing well and that is all that matters!!!
both of them are going to be in my thoughts all week - how amazing would it be if they BOTH held off until after i got back! ok, little selfish i know - but honestly, i doubt either of them would mind if their babies stayed in the oven a litttttle bit longer! ;)
i can't waiiiiiit to meet the newest babygirl and babyboy in my life <3

anyway - there are 20349823904839 more issues that are on my shoulders but i just can't bring myself to put them all out there. i wonder if everyone feels like they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders? i mean, i know everyone has their day and has times where they feel that way, but it's a constant for me. it's like i juggle so much - i take care of my son, my husband, the bills, the shopping, full time job, not to mention it's like other peoples problems somehow jump onto me too, not by THEIR choice i'm sure, but i just can't help it. it's like in my nature to worry about other people i love and care about. sometimes i feel like i can't take anymore and my shoulder blades are going to break and i'm just going to collapse and be done with everything but most of the time i just keep reminding myself that a lot of it is self inflicted. i shouldn't worry about others so much. i should be happy that me and adam have so much and that we have accomplished it all on our own. but, at the same time, i worry about what would happen if we lost it somehow. where would we go? who would take care of us? i guess at the end of the day, God never gives you more than you can handle and even though you may fall down sometimes - you just have to get back up and move forward.

so, why does the subject refer to me as a 'giL' ... easy, i will always, alwayssss be a giL! as i said, we may not be the best of friends at this point in time but our memories are untouchable. i will always have a mean-streak, fun-loving, childish behaviored temperment and although i have, in a sense, grown up and apart, those characteristics will never change about me. i may be abl eto control them better now, but doesn't mean i am not what i once was. giLs are definitely forever - we've been through FARRRRRR to much to ever renounce, even though there have been times where i wanted too ;]

all in all i love my life and my friends and my family, despite the troubles each area has. i am thankful for each and every person in my life and i hope they realize that i care and often care too much.
happy memorial day weekend ;)