May 21, 2013

the choices we make

i do believed i have touched on the subject of drug use here on my blog. never too in depth for personal reasons [and not wanting to put anyone on blast] but it's been touched on. to make a VERY long story short, drug use has affected me and my family for the past four years. [honestly, probably longer than that but i'll go with that time frame for now].  four years ago, i lost my cousin to an heroin overdose. i also lost my high school best friend to that same drug. things went quickly downhill for a lot of my friends and family members since then. it's something that i just can't understand. perhaps it was because i was pregnant at the time and have been a parent ever since, but turning to drugs after losing someone to drugs never seemed appealing to me. others in my family though, that was their coping mechanism. they're my family, i love them but i will never understand their choices. especially after watching many lose every single thing they had. 

anyway - to get to the point. 
i also don't know how much i've touched on the fact that i have a baby sister. well, she's not a baby anymore, she's 22. her and i grew up close and still remain close although her choices i will also never understand. 
since she was a kid - around 15 - she has been ... experimental. unfortunately, she got involved with the wrong crowd a time or two and has gone down a 'not so good' road. luckily, she never became TOO addicted to things but still - a problem was noticed. for the past two years, she has lived up north with my dad (it was an effort made to get her away from the crowd here that she was hanging out with). the effort did backfire as she became more heavily involved in things up there. after realizing that she wanted to make a change, she decided to come back down here with me (to live with my mom, who is 3 houses over from me) and attempt to get her life on track and in all reality - STARTED. 

she has been here for almost 2 weeks. within her first 5 days here, she found a full time job. and has worked EVERY day since then. i am SO beyond proud of her for that. we have a few things on our - well really HER - agenda to do first with her earnings but pretty soon she will be able to get herself a vehicle and insurance and all those other 'grown up' things. 

although all of that is great - still not the point of my blog really.

last night something happened. 
something that has me .. SHOOK. 
i can't shake the entire scene from my memory. [we all have those memories ... you know the ones you wish you could forget, but just can't.] my sister is fine. no worries there. 

a few days ago, her old friend started coming around. this person had recently been out of rehab and sober and they were attempting to be a support system for each other. [although, i feel like i always warn her that it's not good for her to hang out with those people - although intentions are good ... it's easier to find & do drugs with those type of people because you've done it before ..]. anyway, kid came over last night and told my sister he was basically having a bad day, wanted to use so needed to hang out to get his mind off it. they went to get some ice cream, he made a stop at the place he's staying - apparently - to grab a few things while my sister sat in the car and then they went back to my moms. after a minute or two, he took a drink of water and slumped over on the bed. my sister couldn't get him to respond so called 911. keep in mind, i'm 3 houses over so when i noticed the sirens and lights, i immediately called. my sister answered but said she would have to call me back - so i just went over there. 
another long story i'll try to make short ... her friend had apparently used when he went into the house [after they got icecream] and was OD'ing in my sisters bedroom. the EMT's were able to revive him and get him stable but my sister had to pick him up from the hospital around 4am - and still had to get to work this morning. 

so, here i am very shaken about this whole thing. at 11pm i see this kid being carried out of my moms house barely alive and at 10 am in the next morning i see him walking to his truck. i am thankful that he is okay, obviously but i wonder how he feels. how does it feel to know that you WOULD have died but didn't. so many circumstances could have happened. he could have NOT came into my moms. had that been the case, he would have died in his car? what if the EMTs couldn't get to him as quickly as they did. would he have died right there in my moms house? will this kid ever touch the drugs again? will my sister continue to hang around someone to blatantly did this around her, knowing that she is trying to remain clean.  how did it all happen? what makes someone go down that path? 

i had a hard time falling asleep last night after everything. i wanted to go grab my boys and cuddle them close all night. i couldn't imagine if something like this ever happened to my children. how do we, as parents, prevent them from going to that lifestyle. 
my sister and i were raised my the same parents and yet she is so very different from me. what made me so afraid and her so NOT? 
we can say that our kids will never be exposed, and perhaps they won't be but what about their adult lives. when they become completely independent and are on their own. what if they end up a drug addict at age 35? what would i have done wrong to make them do that? there are so many things i question and wonder what i can do to prevent them from even associating with people who think drugs are okay or 'cool'. 
what choices can i make as a parents to ensure my kid will not become addicted to drugs? a lot of people will say raise your kids in church - but i know church kids addicted. some will say just show them love and they'll never need to turn to drugs as a supplement? but i know kids that ARE loved and are still addicted. kids can be raised all kinds of ways that are supposed to deter them from drug use, and yet they still do it. why?? 

yeah, i mean i get it. life gets crappy sometime so it's easy to grab a pill and chase it with some alcohol to forget the current crappy-ness. but once all that fades, life is still gonna be crappy, right? in fact, even more crappy because you just wasted money on that crap and probably ruined friendships with people because not everyone is into that stuff. 
it actually kills me how many people ARE into that. i am sure it's prevalent all over the place but i feel like here, in my town, it's everywhere. it's like everyday i'm learning this person is on pills, this person is on heroin, this person is doing crack ... and it just makes me want to cry. what happened to them that makes them want to live that lifestyle? don't they look at people who DON'T do drugs and want to be like that? don't they desire to look healthy, have money, NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT SOMEONE OD'ING IN THEIR BEDROOM????  i guess addiction and drugs is something that i will just never understand. and i honestly try not to judge people - especially those people in my family for their choices. i obviously want them to turn their lives around and NOT be involved with drugs.  but how can anyone be mad at me or accuse me of judging because i haven't stuck by them? i, under no circumstances, will support anyones drug use. especially after i have lost family and friends to it. if doing drugs is something you choose, that's your choice and you will answer for it someday but i will be no part of it, especially considering i have two - with one on the way - kids. i don't want my kids to even KNOW what drugs are. 

and a little disclaimer: i don't care if you smoke pot. i'm not doing to defriend someone for it. but when we get into actual drugs: pills, cocain, molly, heroin .. whatever it is they call it these days .... i want absolutely no parts of it. it doesn't mean i'm judging you ... it just means that it's my personal choice to keep me and my children away from that. just like destroying your life with a stupid man-man drug, is yours. 

[ps. sorry for the rant. if anyone actually made it through this entire blog. i love you!]


The Best of Both Worlds said...

I did! But probably because this hits home for me. I hope Z continues to do well!

Nikki @ WishUponAShootingStar said...

That had to be really scary! Scary for you seeing the paramedics at your mom house and not knowing that was going on. Scary for your mom since someone almost lost their life in her house, and scary for your sister to be put in that situation.

You are right, people make their own choices. We are all handed different cards in life, but it is all how you play them that matters. Just like you I would choose not to be around it. When people are under the influence they aren't in their right minds. They can steal from, lie, and hurt people they love without even realizing what they are doing. We just have to hope that one day people will wake up and realize their is so much more to life then drugs and so much more to live for.

Keep your chin up!

Nicole said...

I love you!!!!!

MandeeFoFandee said...

ohhhhhh my gosh. I cannot imagine the fear you must have felt when you saw those emergency vehicles show up. holy crap. fingers crossed that Zannie keeps her distance from those kind of people!