August 10, 2012

goodbye baby#3

i don't exactly know where to begin with this post. 
i will say that this is my therapy. i know a lot of people don't care to know details or might not even care in general but this is for me. i don't want to forget this (even though i know i won't) and don't want this baby to be either.

first - to everyone that expressed concern whether it via comment/email/text - i truly appreciate it. i have met some amazing people through this blog (or instagram, hehe) and i value you all. 
the best way for me to start, i think, is to timeline. 

8/3 - i went to the bathroom that afternoon and when i wiped, there was a bit of brown blood. i told adam about it and tried not to worry. after all, i'm aware things like this can happen during  a pregnancy.

8/4 - continued to wipe brown after ever trip to the bathroom. by the end of the day, there was a dime sized blood spot in my underwear.

8/5 - it seemed the 'wiping of blood' had stopped but i decided that i would be calling the doctor first thing monday morning anyway.

8/6 - called the doctor. spoke to nurse and she assured that brown blood wasn't much to be worried about because it was 'old' blood. could have been from intercourse or even from my first OB visit. i insisted on being seen anyway, for my 'peace of mind' and she scheduled me for that morning. unfortunately, my doctor was off that day so i was seeing his partner. 
when going there, i just didn't have a good feeling. 
i met with the doctor and she checked me. she said she saw the brown blood and that my cervix was still closed so she was sure it was okay. i told her that i'd like to to hear/see the heartbeat anyway. she attempted to hear it via doppler but couldn't. again, she said it shouldn't be a concern because it was still early. we walked over to the sonogram room and she attempted a belly sonogram. again, nothing.
finally, she did an internal and i just knew. after a few moments she said 'unfortunately, i do not see a heartbeat and the baby is only measuring 7wks 4 days'. 
when i went almost two weeks prior to monday, the baby was measuring 7wks then. 
this meaning, my baby died a few days after my first OB appointment. on or around july 29th. 

i left there to go home and discuss options with adam. basically, i could a) wait it out and pass the baby on my own, b) take a pill to jump start the 'passing', or c) schedule a d&c. all these options were awful for me. but after all said and done, we decided with option c. i just didn't/don't think i was strong enough to handle passing it on my own. i finally heard back from my OB and was told i was scheduled for surgery 8/9.

8/7-8/9 - awful. AWFUL. knowing that you're walking around with your baby inside of you, that is no longer growing, has got to be the worst feeling.  i was sad, scared, mad, and yet trying to continue to function as best as possible. the days were creeping by. i was so ready to get the surgery done and over with. i didn't (and still don't really) want to talk to anyone because it just hurts to talk about it more than i have too. 

8/9 - morning of d&c. we made arrangements for heather to watch the boys during my procedure. they dropped me off at the hospital (i had to be there 2hrs prior) and adam went to drop the boys. i really wish we would have dropped them first because sitting in pre-op alone was pretty sucky. i didn't think it would be that bad, and reality was that it wasn't TOO bad, but it would have been better with adam there. 
i kept thinking about the last time i was in that hospital. i was having rhys. 
i kept thinking that i was still being admitting to have a baby taken out of me; although this time he/she wouldn't be coming home with me. what a crappy feeling. no other way to put that. 
i kept thinking that everything happens for a reason? but what is that reason? to make me stronger? it has to be a lesson for me because what lesson does an unborn baby learn?  i know God has a plan for every one of us but what plan is this? God knows us all before we're even THOUGHT of - why would He allow a life to begin [and yes, i believe life begins before birth so there's my stance on THAT] and take it so soon? what is the grand plan there? 
my nana called me a few days ago and told me i'd meet that baby one day, in Heaven. and i do believe she is right. but it still doesn't make me understand WHY. i know i shouldn't question His plan but it's hard not too - we've (as believers) have all been there, right? 

8/10 - as i continued to think about this last night and throughout the night, i think i learned what that lesson was. as horrible as this sounds, i'm going to be honest here. when adam and i first found out that we were pregnant again, it was a complete shock. for the next three weeks, emotions were different from usual. adam was on edge and so was i. neither of us were 'over the moon', as they say as, we were with our boys. not because we didn't want more kids, we did (and do) but it just wasn't planned and was rather soon considering we had a 9 month old. that being said, i think the lesson God needed me to learn is to be thankful for such a blessing. 
'In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God, in Christ Jesus concerning you' (1 Thess. 5:18 KJV)
how fitting is that? it doesn't say 'in happy times give thanks.' it says in EVERYTHING. 
i know there are plenty of people that read my blog that don't believe in God or have different beliefs all together but for me, i believe. and this verse hits me hard. losing this baby, is the will of God, in Christ Jesus concerning ME. i don't understand His will and i don't have too. i find comfort in it. and believe me when i say that i have learned that lesson. never again will i be ungrateful or NOT happy for something that is SUCH a miracle. there are SO many people that try SO hard to have kids and eventually get pregnant or unfortunately, never get that blessing. and there i was, surrounded with such a blessing and i wasn't grateful for it. what was i thinking? i'm so sorry that my baby and i had to learn a lesson this way. sounds like a mean God, right?  i don't believe so, really. if there is a lesson to be learned, it has to be learned some way. life is not a fair place. without hurt, you can't be joyous. this hurt is awful, but i will be stronger from it. and the next time i get pregnant, i will never have mixed emotions on it. *

ok, i will stop being preachy. 
back to the matter at hand. i wrote most of this blog yesterday after my procedure. and i'm going to pick up where i left off.
i was going to write a separate post about my d&c but decided to just put this all in one long blog post. some will read it and some won't and that's fine. again, this is for me. i also want someone who was in my position to maybe stumble across this blog and get some comfort in my experience. 
before i went in, i googled and googled the d&c process. so many people had their stories of how awful it was so i was scared to death really. i remember being in the OR - shaking like a leaf. but, it wasn't bad. 

what i had done was a suction d&c. because my baby had no heartbeat but i wasn't bleeding, i didn't need the scraping done. plus, since i hadn't 'passed' anything, the suction was needed to obtain larger things. 
when they first admitted me, they got my IV set up and gave me a bag of fluids. when it was time to go back to OR - i had to give everything to adam, including my glasses. so, as i'm being wheeled back - i could hardly see. they took me to an operating room. my first time ever in one. i assume women who get a c-section go in rooms like that. bright lights, white, freezing - full of machines and doctors. they began to strap me down (which i think is what scared me the most) and i heard the nurse say 'i'm going to give you something now but you won't be entirely asleep yet'. then they placed an oxygen mask on me & the nurse told me everything would be okay (probably because i had tears streaming down my face and couldn't wipe them due to my arms being strapped). i looked at the huge clock and saw it was 10:40. that was the last thing i remember. 
when i woke up, i was crying and in a recovery room. the nurse that was with me asked if i wanted a drink and my husband. i said yes to both. aside from being emotional, i felt fine. i had no cramping or anything. it was around 12:20. i had to stay there for about 20 more minutes to let my IV antibiotic finish but then i was wheeled out. they told me to go get something to eat (because i hadn't eaten since dinner the previous night). i was fine to move around and even run into target and get my prescription. the entire day, i felt fine. i had some light bleeding but nothing awful. no cramping at all either. it was hard to 'take it easy' when i felt physically okay. luckily, adam made me.

today, i still feel okay. i have some light period-like cramping but they gave me some IBProfen for that. the weirdest feeling to me - is the empty feeling. not just emotionally, but i feel like my uterus is empty. which, it is. but i didn't expect to feel it. even after they told me i'd lost my baby, i still had that full/bloated feeling. where i couldn't really lay on my stomach and pants didn't really fit and i just felt over-all heavier. today, i feel lighter. :( 
emotionally? i'm okay. it's a struggle but i don't have the time to sit around and be upset. i have two kids that need me and keep me going. but, i still don't feel like talking to anyone. it's hard. i know people want to be there for me, and i'm so grateful for them but i'm just not ready i guess. i've gotten so many calls, texts & emails that i just haven't answered. and it's not personal (if any of you are reading this) it's just hard. talking brings out a lot of emotions and i can hardly talk to adam without breaking down and i'm just not ready for that rawness yet. i know that i have to face it head on to deal with it and i will. this is my first step. 

it's a rainy day here in maryland, and it's quite fitting. it's actually been a pretty dreary week and i know it's weird but i also find comfort in that. (here i go again ...) i feel like God is letting me know that he is sad too. it's kind of like a parent-child relationship - where you don't want to punish your kids but you know you have too. it makes you just as sad as it makes them? i don't think my God likes to teach such lessons but sometimes, it has to be done. 

i might have just a few follow up posts regarding baby#3. believe me, he/she will not be forgotten. 
the d&c successfully removed everything in tact and because of that DNA testing is able to be done. that MIGHT tell us if there was a chromosomal defect or any other important information there would be. because the baby was around 2 months, or so we think, when he/she passed - the doctor said they might even be able to tell us if it was a boy or a girl. 

again, i want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love towards me and my family. i know that miscarriage is quite common and i'm not the only one who has ever gone through one. but not everyone talks about theirs so openly. and honestly, i probably wouldn't have if i hadn't announced it here on my blog AND on my facebook. so i feel like since i did, i have to also announce that we lost our precious baby. so, thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts/prayers for me and my family during this time.

As for me, I will always have hope.
Psalms 71:14 (NIV)

5 comments:

Dudette said...

I am so proud of you for sharing this. Some people don't understand that just because you can't/don't want to TALK about it doesn't mean you don't want to express it. You have so many thoughts, feelings, words swelling inside you that sometimes you just have to get it out so you can breath a little easier. It was a while before I was able to tell anyone about our loss, & there is still a LOT of people (family & friends) that don't know & it was 3 yrs ago.
Hugs & Love <3

Heather said...

Thinking and praying for you and your family during this time. It takes a lot of courage to open up about a miscarriage. I had one over 10 years ago and it's still something I think about. Praying that you have the courage and the strength to move past this difficult time and always remembering sweet baby #3.

rene said...

i'm sure that was therapeutic. i love you and i'm glad that you can turn something so sad into inspiration to finding the joys in life(in all forms) love love love you

Crystal Seed said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss! That's such a hard thing to deal with and I can't imagine the pain you and your hubby are going through at this time. But as you said, I know that God has a plan for all of us and there is something else planned for you. You were one of the first blogs that I started to follow when I first started blogging, and I can honestly say that I've really enjoyed watching your boys grow up! It's been a real joy reading about your family!

Keith Sumner said...

Kaley,
I am so Proud of you and the woman you have become !!! So happy, how you can express your feeling and beliefs on your blog. Keep your eyes and heart looking to God and your focus on our two boys. Love you with ALL My Heart....

Dad