October 10, 2011

wondering ...

it was brought to my attention today that i haven't 'written' a post in a while. i like to overload everyone with pictures and/or link ups but haven't actually shared some thoughts in a while. so, here goes [cuz we all know i have TONS to say!]

you ever wonder how you get so lucky? but at the same time, wonder how you [or more specifically, other people who directly impact your life] get so unlucky??
i understand and fully comprehend that everyone's consequences are based on their own actions, but i can't help to worry/stress/be sad about it.

i am so beyond lucky [actually, beyond blessed] in most aspects of my life. i have a great husband who loves me. he loves me even when i have an extra [thick] layer of leftover 'baby fat' and even when i have a horrible attitude with him. it's completely unconditional with him, and although i don't deserve it, i'm grateful.

i have two beautiful boys that despite being terrors [well, only one of them is at the moment] are GREAT kids and i wouldn't trade them for anything. they also love me unconditional. it's nice to be able to give them both kisses first thing in the morning and not have them tell me that my breath stinks or they don't want a kiss - they just accept my kisses and even kiss me back!

i have amazing friends. friends that get together and plan a girls day for my birthday even though i don't deserve it. i honestly don't know what i did to get so lucky to have friends like this in my life. i am not always the best friend, and i know that. i am not available to chat or go out like i used to be and definitely feel undeserving of the 'spoiling'. but i am definitely grateful!

despite having so many GREATS - i have some not-so-great things.
i miss my sister. my heart aches over it. i want the same GREAT things for her. i want to shake her and snap her into reality. she moved 350 miles away from me for a 'better' life and ended up in the same 'rut' [if you will] as she was here. i will never understand her choices, mostly because she doesn't talk to me to even explain her ways. she used to read my blog and care about me and the kid(s) but now she doesn't even return my texts so I'm not too worried about her even seeing this.
I just miss her. I wanted to see her make something of herself in CT. I wanted her to know what it was like to work and make/have money, know what it was like to have good, clean fun and most importantly know what it was like to have good friends and boyfriend - that don't bring her down. Instead it's the same crap, different state. I really hope she figures out this stuff before it's too late, she deserves better.

I think I get so stressed about it all because I used to be so mean to her. if I could go back 10 years - I would cherish every moment, even when she would sneak in my bed during my senior year of school! ;)
she is missing out on so much of my life and vice versa. I don't think it would be so bad if she were doing well, but bottom line is that she isn't.

I am so glad that I have such great things in my life that help me cope with the less than great. I'm always wondering why her and I are so different. why do I have my life together and she doesn't? Doesn't she want a life like mine? with a good man and great friends?
Hopefully things change with my baby sissy - so many people love and care for her and would do anything to see her TRULY happy!


The Best of Both Worlds said...

I understand how you feel all too well! Like you said your very lucky to have all that you do have and all that youve worked hard for. When it comes to friends some of us do just get lucky. My sisters don't have any friends and/or there not the best ones. It sucks and it's sad because even if you have family you still need those that can support you from the outside looking in. I can only imagine how it affects you because I can compare a bit to me and my sisters. I hope that she can find a way to figure out what is best for her. & when she does you'll be there for her with open arms and I hope that it gets to that point sooner than later. Sometimes it just takes people a little longer to grow up and figure things out. Love ya girl!

MandeeFoFandee said...

well first of all, you don't need to be in contact with people every single day to be a good friend - you are an AMAZING friend regardless of whether you think you are or not. you are there when it counts, and you are a great support system to have!

aaaaand secondly... Zoo will find her way. she's still young and has plenty of time to figure out life. it may take her a little longer to realize what is and isn't important, but she'll be there in your life again, and you'll be happy you stuck it out with her. that's what sisters are for! :)

you don't give yourself nearly enough credit - you are a wonderful woman who deserves the best!

Brandi Curtis said...

I know exactly how you feel, except in my situation its my OLDER sister who doesn't and I don't think ever will have her life together. Sometimes it makes me sad not to be able to look up to her. I pray one day (before it's to late) she will get back on the right path and become a good mother and rid herself of all the negativity and people that bring it down. But all you and I can do is pray & hope things work out for the best.