mine was :)
we took kullen to mygym on saturday morning and it appeared as if it were going to rain :( we got home and adam wanted to lay some mulch in the front garden so i told him to go ahead before the rain started. well, turns out - never rained. it was GORGEOUS and would have been the perfect day to go to the zoo or park or SOMETHING fun, but instead kullen and i played indoors while adam worked outside. (although, tooting my own horn here - i got out there for a bit and shoveled some mulch around - yessss i did work on my mothers day weekend! ehehe) ... so that night adam asked where i wanted to go to eat and duhhh, i said hibatchi. all you can eat chinese, hibatchi style AND sushi!! not to mention kullen LOVES all the different foods he gets to eat! hehe! :)
sunday - mothers day - woke up to 2 sweet cards from my boys, a gift certificate to the spa and another collectors bottle of Marilyn Merlot :) that makes 3 that adam has gotten me thus far. yay!! we had decided that instead of going out with our mothers, we'd have them over for a cookout on our new grill!! :) yes, we finalllllly got a grill - and a NICE one at that! so, we spent the morning preparing our food which included steaks, chicken kabobs, zucchini, squash, potato salad and pasta salad! i ran kullen up to swim class - which was quite empty, but kullen had a blast - and then came back and got us ready for my mom and adam's mom to come over. we sat out back and chatted and enjoyed the company AND food!
but the 'holiday' really got me thinking about things and just how cliche they truly are. don't get me wrong, any chance to celebrate or BE celebrated is absolutely wonderful by me and i soak up every second of it but why just one day? i guess this mothers day was special to me because it was my first but it really wasn't much different than any other day. i was loved and appreciated but honestly thats pretty much a daily thing at the poag household. aside from adam constantly stating to kullen 'it's mamas dayyyy!' and getting presents, it was a normal day. i guess i like normal. i found myself wanting to celebrate kullen more than anything else. i know it was MOTHERS day, but without him, i would not be a mother so i felt the need for HIM to be celebrated? all the things i had in mind to do, were FOR him - not for me. i definitely realize how lucky i am to have him in my life right now - adam too. they have gotten me through so much and continue to do so without even trying. just knowing that i have them to go home to everyday is the greatest feeling ever.
i really have some things weighing on my lately and would love nothing more than to write about it and get it out but i think its just far too personal. not to mention, i realize that i only have 11 followers, but i also know that more than 11 people read this blog, haha. and i don't want to hurt anyones feelings - although it doesn't seem to matter to any of them that they are hurting mine? ironic, huh? but there really isn't much i can do, other than pray about it - which is what i will do. somethings are wayyyy out of my control so i will turn it over to God and know he will handle it all.
one thing that has been weighing heavy lately, is my work situation. everyone who knows me knows that i want nothing more than to stay home and raise my son. it breaks my heart everyday when i have to drop him off - even though i do it with a smile on my face and i do it knowing he is in GREAT hands - i still get that lump in my throat the minute i'm back in my car, alone. i am fully confident that eventually, i will be able to stay home with my children and raise them but its just not possible at this moment. part of me feels awful and selfish for even feeling this way, knowing the economy and knowing that some people try and try and never get as good of a job as i have fallen into but the other part doesn't care. i would give up this job and anything else possible to have the chance to spend everyday with my son and watch him grow and learn new things. i am envious of mothers who get the chance to do so. i know that at the end of the day, even if they are dirt poor, they are HAPPY. at some point, shouldn't happiness prevail? i mean, i'm not UNhappy with my life - just with the fact that i HAVE to work. maybe if i had the option of WANTING to work - it wouldn't be AS bad .. but knowing that i HAVE to work - SUCKS. nobody should HAVE to work. part of me wishes i could give our cars, cell phones, house and all that comes along with it back to the lenders and start fresh with no bills ... i figure at that point, we'd work with adam's income alone and live within those means. but alas, again - no point in dwelling on something that is beyond my control so i will again - turn it over to God and let him work it out for us. if it's what is meant to be ... it will be.
i guess lately i have just been in a funk. i don't like it much but when i'm with my little angel - all the cares are gone and in those moments, i am happy.
no more 'woe is me' ... i have a great life, bottom line. there are things that i wish were different but hey, don't we all. one day things will be the way i want them to be, but until then - one day at a time :)
Hang in there sweetie and keep praying. Your heart is in the right place. It won't be long and Adam will be through school and things will get better. It is so true though, things don't bring happiness. To add to your heavy heart, I've decided the older I get, the less I understand about life. By the way you have 8 more followers than I do. I need to more friends. lol.
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