December 8, 2011

listen to your heart?

disclaimer: this post will be all over the place i'm sure. forgive me.  & steph, you know i love you and hope you don't mind me blogging about my feelings on this. 

i received the awful news yesterday that my babysitter for kullen & rhys will no longer be able to watch them. our schedules are just too conflicting and with the amount of kids we have combined and such close age ranges .. things have just become very hectic. 
i'm obviously not going to go into great detail because the bottom line is that she loves my kids as her own and ultimately wants what is best for both my kids and hers. 
she has watched kullen since he was 9 weeks old so i know it's not only going to be hard for us but it will be for her also. 

so, why am i even writing this blog if i'm not going to go into detail about it? 
i'd like some feedback basically. 
since having kullen, it's been known that i [eventually] want to become a stay at home mom. especially since i planned on having more. after having rhys, i didn't want to go back to work but was given the opportunity to work 3 days a week and decided i'd start with that. it's been great having those two extra days with my boys!
so that's where things have been.
the thought of quitting my job and staying home with them has never left my mind. it's always on my mind and in my heart but i just never have a definite answer as to whether or not i'm going to make that BIG decision.
i guess i'll never know if it's going to be the right thing for my family until i do it - insert the 'leap of faith'. 

i've never been one to talk Godly on my blog although i do believe and am a christian. i know we've all read those blogs about taking the leap of faith and following God's will and rolled our eyes at the fact. MYSELF BEING GUILTY!
how does one know what is God's will? how do you not confuse/misinterpret your own desires for 'God's will'. 
do you take something as small as your baby sitter 'resigning' as God's will? 

it's like when i was younger, sitting in church and getting that gut wrenching feeling that i need to go forward at the end of the service and pray about something. the preacher would say that was the Holy Spirit talking to you and making you feel that conviction.
i have that feeling now. i have that feeling that i need to be home with my boys.  but the bottom line is that i don't know if it's just my overwhelming desires here or what. 

i've called around already to a few places regarding child care. most places don't have openings for both or are a little more expensive than we're used to paying.  should i also take that as a sign from God - or just a sign in general for those who don't believe. 

i sit here and think about sending my boys to another place and have such mixed emotions. well, for kullen anyway. bottom line on rhys is that i don't want him anywhere else :/ with kullen, i think about putting him in preschool and him learning and excelling and how awesome that would be. but then i think about the fact that he isn't fully potty trained. no where else is going to let my child run around without a diaper on so he can use the potty all day. they're going to make me put him in pull ups and i know he will just pee in them :( i think about kullen being SO upset when i drop him off the first time with a stranger. i think about them not understanding his speech like stephanie does. 
i have so many bad thoughts towards daycare/child care other than steph. again, is this a sign? 

i know that if i were to quit my job - we'd survive. by survive - i mean we'd get our bills paid. we'd probably no longer be eating steak dinners or going out with friends. are we - am I - ready for that? 
what if we COULDN'T suffice with just one income and i had to find another job. there is absolutely no guarantee that i could get my job back or even a job back with the government. i'd have to settle for any job i could get and likely be working crappier hours with less pay.
why can't someone just tell me what to do?  :(

so - i'm wondering - what would YOU do? if you had a great job but felt your heart belonged at home with your kids. would you say screw the job and not think twice? or would you keep the job and just find someone new to watch them? 


Stephanie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your childcare situation I'm sure this is a very difficult decision to make!

I may be a little biased because I have made the decision to be a SAHM, but I say, if you can do it DO IT, now. You can ALWAYS make more money, but your kids will only be little once. If you want to SAH and you can afford to do so, then do it.

If you don't like it for whatever reason you can always find another job, but you'll never get the opportunity to SAH with your boys at this age again.

When I was pregnant we crunched the numbers and found we could make it work. We are on a budget and there are DEFINITELY things we have to go without (some of the things you already mentioned, going out, eating steak dinners, etc.), but at the same time you do save some money by staying at home like childcare fees, gas to and from work, and you have more time to devote to things like finding areas to save money, cooking from scratch to keep within your grocery budget, etc.

We did have a lifestyle change, but to us it's 100% worth it. Staying at home with my son right now is more important to me and to us than those extras we have to do without right now. There's plenty of time for those things later in life!

I think it sounds like this is a perfect time for you to make the switch, JMO. GL!

Jeska said...

Egh, sorry :/ I have no idea what I would do. Maybe try to scope out other nice daycare's? I'm assuming nobody else you know & trust can watch them. If nothing seems suitable to you, you could always just stay home until Kullen gets into Kindergarten. There are pro's and con's to both sides. It seems silly, but when we bought our house we actually wrote out a page full of pro's and con's before buying. I would really suggest this- it helps! It's obviously a BIG decision that only you & Adam can make though.

Clarissa's Cottage Arts said...

my luv, trust God and take one day at a time. lean not to you're own understand, and He will lead you in a plain path. When you quit work don't think about all the things you can't do, think of all the things you can do. Things that don't require a lot of money. You can take the boys to the library and take part in all the things available for children. you can have picnics on a quilt in your yard, or change it up and go to a park. Read more with them, the best tool for learning. you'll have more time for yourself, for reading, crocheting, making special dinners for adam and the boys. I think you will be fine dear, and then you can come see me more. lol. You're a good, unselfish mom.